How Can I Critique Without Being Rude?
Once a month, we gather all the current enrollees in Manager Boot Camp to discuss the tougher parts of being a manager - giving feedback usually tops the list.
On one of these calls, a manager asked, "How can I critique someone without being rude?"
Two words immediately jumped out: critique and rude.
Friends, giving feedback isn't a critique!
It may FEEL like you're giving a critique, it may get DELIVERED like a critique, and it may be HEARD like a critique. But, let's get one thing straight - you (manager) are allowed to and supposed to give feedback to improve performance -- it's part of your job description .
A manager's intention should always be to coach performance. 100%.
The same is true for the "being rude" part. It may FEEL like you are being rude, you may DELIVER it rudely, and the feedback may be HEARD as rude. However, my guess is you do not intend to be rude. Agree?
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR MANAGERS
The above said, let's focus on improving the 2 parts that are under a manager's control: How it feels to give feedback and the skills you use in delivering it. (The 3rd, uncontrollable part, how your feedback is heard is a bit more complicated and a whole other newsletter topic).
I'm going to list these out. Individually consider each one and how adept you are at using each one when delivering feedback.
Improving How It FEELS To Give Feedback
1. Prepare. Having some notes, rehearsing how you'll broach the topic, and anticipating what the person might say back all work to lower your stress level and back up your ability to initiate a solid, objective conversation. If you need more help preparing, download my tough conversations resource pack.
2. Remind. Run a few things through your mind ahead of time to get mentally ready. "My goal is to coach them to their best self;" "Giving feedback is designed to help people improve and make their job easier;" "Something better is on the other side of this conversation."
Improving How You DELIVER Feedback
1. Tread slowly. This conversation is not a race to the finish. You need time to settle your thoughts and the recipient needs time to digest what you are saying. Picture speed bumps and use that visual to remind you to slow down, pause, or stop talking every so often.
2. Watch and listen. However one-way giving feedback might feel, it really should be a two-way conversation. Watch their body language, look out for shifts or shut down. Ask for their thoughts, listen to what they're saying. A worthy goal is that the person feels seen, heard, and valued - even if they don't agree with you.
There is so much nuance to feedback conversations, which is why we dedicate an entire module to it in Manager Boot Camp. For now, this might be a good start for you.
Work to control how you feel about the dynamic, prepare so you aren't thrown off kilter mid-conversation, and pay attention to how you're being received -- all of which will help things not feel like a critique or that you're being rude.
About The Author
For the past two decades, Cecilia Gorman has helped advertising agencies and other creatively-minded companies fix costly communication and productivity issues by teaching managers how to become better connectors, motivators, and leaders. Cecilia is the author of Always Believe In Better, creator of the digital learning course for managers—Manager Boot Camp, and co-founder of the global training and support community for working women—Empowership.
Interested in growing your skills as a manager? Check out how Manager Boot Camp might help.
