Giving & Receiving Difficult Feedback

Avoiding that tough conversation like it’s the plague? You’re not alone.

Most people are on the run from that dreaded conversation. That’s as true for managers as it is for employees. Humans are creatures of comfort. We love harmony so we can be at ease in our environment. When conflict and tension arise, we run for the hills. Or, we do our best to run for as long as possible until the confrontation trips us up and we’re caught with our face in the pavement. Ouch.

Wouldn’t it be nice to avoid that faceplant? Wouldn’t you love to actually embrace the opportunity that these conversations bring?

As a manager, when you avoid these tough conversations you directly contribute to high turnover rates, lower employee engagement, and a decrease in productivity. That being said, the exact opposite is true when you face your fear of discomfort and own the conversation.

As an employee, when you recoil into emotional overwhelm during a performance review, you miss the chance to grow into your greatest potential. On the other hand, embracing the difficult part of this conversation with open arms means you can make the small changes necessary to take your career to a higher level.

It’s a dual dance of give-and-take.

Everyone could use some guidance and support when it comes to navigating difficult conversations. No one is perfect. Miscommunication, lack of communication, or misunderstanding in communication is the most common source of all relationship problems. So, conflict can be resolved when you understand how to have a productive conversation- both as the manager and as the employee.

The tips I’m sharing with you here are all tried, tested, and true. Don’t take my word for it, though. Try it out for yourself. And then watch as your conversations, your relationships, and your working environment completely transformed, seemingly overnight.

Let’s start with a simple reminder: why we need to have tough conversations and what happens when they’re avoided.

Tough Conversations: To Flee, Or Not to Flee

It seems a lot of managers would rather accept incompetence from someone on their team than withstand the discomfort of having that tough conversation. Why is that? Why are employee reviews so difficult?

When you give an employee review, you’re not facing another cog in the machine telling it how to change so the machine can run smoothly. That would be far too easy. No, you’re working with a human being.

As humans, we often attach our sense of identity to our performance. When we’re confronted with our faulty performance, it feels like a personal attack on our identity. Naturally, we build a strong defense to protect our sense of identity.

What does this look like in the conversation? Your employee shuts down from the conversation, has a highly emotional reaction, or becomes enraged and confrontational in response.

As a result, everyone involved in the conversation experiences the stress response which shuts down the prefrontal cortex. That part of your brain that regulates negative emotional reactions and provides higher cognitive thinking like concentration, insight, decision making? Yeah, that part goes offline during fight or flight response.

To Flee

Considering all of that, it’s no wonder you try to flee from these conversations.

But, what if I told you that the power to have a productive conversation already lies in your hands? All you need to do is recognize the tools in your belt, then you can put them to good use. I’m going to share a secret with you. Once you hear it, you’ll be forced to stand still and face the challenge head-on. 

Every day you make a choice to continually grow in your relationship by finding a way to speak about those tough issues, or you let the relationship slowly fail by avoiding those pressing pain points. Your willingness to have that conversation is what keeps the relationship alive.

You’re not having a conversation about the relationship (it’s issues, failings, or poor performance), you’re actually committing to the relationship by sharing in conversation.

That’s the secret: the conversation is the relationship.

Knowing this, the power is in your hands. Don’t avoid the tough conversation, avoid the long and drawn-out process of letting that relationship fall apart. 

Or Not To Flee

Okay, okay. Now that I’ve got your attention, what’s next? You know you need to face those tough conversations head-on. You know you need to learn how to have a productive and deeply meaningful conversation. Whether you’re an employee or a manager, your mission is to learn how to remain open, adaptable, and accepting during your performance review.

Ready to dive deep?

Let’s take a look at the conversation from both sides. What do you need to know as the manager, giving feedback? What do you need to know as the employee, receiving feedback?

Tips for Giving Feedback

The only way to succeed in giving good feedback is by helping your employee feel at ease so they can actually receive your feedback. 

It’s as much about helping your employee receive the information as it is about the specific feedback you’re providing. That’s the tricky part. You have to learn to navigate the conversation in a way that avoids triggering a negative emotional response.

How, you ask? Follow these guidelines:

Be Kind, The Golden Rule

Remember, you’re not dealing with a cog in a machine. Human beings are emotional beings. Keep that in mind when choosing your language and tone.

  Keep The End in Mind

As the manager, your job is to provide effective manager training and help elevate your employees to their greatest potential. That’s the end goal you’re always looking for: to aid your employees on their way to self-development. In turn, their productivity and engagement improve the success of the business. Watch out for any moments in the conversation that might stray from that end goal. 

Have A Gentle Lead-In

How you lead into the conversation sets the stage for everything that comes after. Knowing this, it’s so important to open with the tone of a friend, a guide, a support system. Help your receiver shake off the fear of a potential threat. Show them there’s a willingness to work on the relationship dynamic from both ends. This loosens them up so they don’t feel the need to retreat into attack/defense mode. Download my gentle lead-in worksheet here.

Take Responsibility

What’s your part in the situation? Own it. Did you know about the issue and do nothing to resolve it earlier? Were you unclear the last time this happened? Did you really investigate the issue? Did you follow up after a previous incident? What improvement can you make? Be honest and share this with your employee.

Really Listen

I mean really listen. Listen with your eyes and read between the lines. What is their body language sharing with you? What do they want you to understand about their point of view? When you can acknowledge their position you can use the best language to speak directly to their perspective. This way they won’t feel attacked and they’ll feel understood. That validation is what they’re looking for. 

Allow Space for Silence

Give space for digestion. Let them process what they’re hearing. Resist the urge to use the run-on sentence, allowing nervousness to fill the space. Instead, let it sink in.

Can you imagine how many possibilities open up to you when your employee doesn’t shut down from a perceived attack? You’ll see more progress than you ever imagined.

Tips for Receiving Feedback

Your career journey is like guiding a sailboat through the open sea. To guide the boat in your desired direction, you don’t hold the rudder straight the whole time. That’s the quickest way to crash. Rather, sailing is a series of slight adjustments. To move straight, you’re constantly course-correcting. 

Your career is a dynamic movement that requires constant course correcting. Every adjustment comes in the form of feedback from your managers and colleagues. Your best self is going to be developed by way of meaningful feedback. 

I can already hear you saying, “easier said than done”. How can you go into your performance review without shutting down or getting emotionally hijacked?

Be confident

Remember that you were hired for a reason. You are already valued for your effort and work. The goal of any tough conversation is to help you develop into your greater potential. Practically, induce confidence by using a power pose.

Stay curious

Be curious about how the feedback can help you grow. You have no idea what could be said, and that can be a tool you use to excite yourself about the possibilities. If you make self-improvement a primary goal, then feedback is a welcomed conversation to help steer you in the next best direction.

Ask questions and get clarification

It’s way too easy to misunderstand the words someone uses. Avoid miscommunication and feeling hurt by verifying the meaning of words used. Many of us hear something different than what the giver was trying to share. Clarify the meaning so you don’t get caught in an emotional reaction.

Stay in the conversation

If you feel triggered, be proactive about it. You can always ask for a reschedule. It’s best not to become tangled in negative emotions if you have the choice. If you feel overwhelmed, try taking notes. If you’re going to cry, try this easy trick: look up to the left and multiply a few simple numbers.

When the feedback is difficult to receive, repeat this mantra: My best self comes via constant feedback.

This is the way to be excited about showing up to work every day. Knowing that your career helps you to develop into your greatest potential. The more you’re willing to course correct from feedback, the more expansive your growth.

Own It

You’ve got all the tools you need to face your fear and confront the conflict. When you choose to have the tough conversations, you commit to improving your relationships, your self-development, and your working environment.

Feedback conversations can be the most dreadful part of your job or they can offer you the greatest opportunity for growth. How do you choose to see it?

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