Connection Beats Closure. Every Time.
Most of us were taught that the goal of negotiation is to win. Whether that's for a raise we want, a car we're buying, or a vacation we're planning, we'll often fight for what we want.
We believe a "win" in negotiation is getting our way.
But in leadership? That mindset can close the door too soon. For managers, sometimes the real win isn’t resolution. It’s resonance.
In our Better Leaders League program, I taught a training session on negotiation and shared how powerful it is when a conversation ends with understanding, even if it doesn’t end with agreement.
That's right, I said it...even without agreement.
Here’s the thing we forget: People don’t return to conversations where they felt pressured. They return to conversations (and managers/parents/partners/friends) where they felt safe, seen, and heard. That's resonance.
Connection Beats Closure
Emotional safety is what brings people back into a conversation. It’s what keeps the relationship intact. And it’s often what leads to better, more honest agreements down the road. Remember, you can lose the "yes" but still win the relationship.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR MANAGERS
If you're leading people, I'd argue that resonance matters more than agreement 1,000% of the time. (Reply if you feel differently -- I'd love to hear your thoughts!)
Here are some ideas to put this into practice:
1. Stop trying to win the moment.
Shift from "How do I get them to yes?" to "How can we understand each other better?" Understanding sets the foundation for less friction in getting to yes.
2. Validate before you persuade.
People are far more receptive when they feel heard first. Use phrases that dig in.
Try: "I can see why that matters to you. Tell me more about it." Or, "It sounds like (ordering pizza in, a vacation with your mom, a $5,000 raise) is important. I'd love to hear more."
3. Use clarity + kindness as your anchor.
Directness doesn’t have to be harsh. It can sound like:
"Even if we don’t land on an agreement today, I want us to walk away feeling good about how this conversation went."
4. Remember: The relationship IS the strategy. When people feel safe with you, they are more likely to soften their stance and be open to other alternatives. When they don't, they won't.
About The Author
For the past two decades, Cecilia Gorman has helped advertising agencies and other creatively-minded companies fix costly communication and productivity issues by teaching managers how to become better connectors, motivators, and leaders.
Cecilia is the author of Always Believe In Better, creator of the digital learning course for managers—Manager Boot Camp, and co-founder of the global training and support community for working women—Empowership.
Interested in growing your skills as a manager? Check out how Manager Boot Camp might help.
