Oops, I Made Them Cry
I cringe when I remember the first time an employee started crying in front of me.
I had the worst response to the situation...I froze. Or, should I say, I froze emotionally and just kept talking and delivering the feedback I was there to give.
Our job as managers is to try and address emotions constructively and ensure the conversation remains productive, while helping the other person feel heard and acknowledged. Not the easiest combination of things to do all at once, mind you.
Here are a few pointers when tears enter the conversation:
1. SLOW YOUR ROLL: Your immediate reaction might be to rush through the feedback or try to stop the crying to escape the uncomfortableness as fast as possible (think hot potato!)
Instead, take a breath and a beat. Offer a tissue or a moment. Gauge the emotional level (misty eyes or torrential tears) to see if you should continue or not. Remember, when emotion of any kind enters a conversation, listening ears get clogged, so it makes little sense to continue full bore.
2. ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT'S SHIFTED: Most of humanity has never learned how to deal with emotional fluxes, especially at work. Friend, THIS IS THE PART WE USUALLY MISS! A simple acknowledgement of what's happening in front of you conveys so much about you and your level of empathy, especially if other people's emotions aren't your jam.
Try saying, "I understand this is difficult to talk about," or "I appreciate you sharing your feelings, even when it's tough." Say something, then be still. Emotions take a moment to settle enough for the person to say what's actually coming up for them.
3. ASK A QUESTION: Oftentimes, we'll make assumptions about the person about why they're upset or angry without giving them a chance to share their truth. Ask open-ended questions gently and with genuine curiosity.
Try saying, "Can you share what part of this conversation struck a chord with you?" "What thoughts are coming up for you right now?" or "Is there something else going on that's making this feel especially difficult today?"
Questions help you find out if the tears are due to surprise, feeling overwhelmed, not liking what they heard, or something entirely unrelated to the feedback itself. Understanding the root will help you know what to do or say next.
4. CALL A TIMEOUT: If the emotion is still lingering, offer them a way out. You could say, "Would you like a few minutes? We can pick this up after lunch/tomorrow," or "We've shared a lot here so far, why don't we take a break and regroup later on?"
If they're struggling to compose themselves, nothing you say will land. Giving them a bit of time and space shows you respect their emotional state and aren't a feedback robot (I'm talking to my early-2000 manager self here).
Trust me when I say maneuvering tears and emotions took me a looong time to figure out. What I know now is that any genuine response by you, manager, can make a world of difference for an employee who's upset.
About The Author
For the past two decades, Cecilia Gorman has helped advertising agencies and other creatively-minded companies fix costly communication and productivity issues by teaching managers how to become better connectors, motivators, and leaders. Cecilia is the author of Always Believe In Better, creator of the digital learning course for managers—Manager Boot Camp, and co-founder of the global training and support community for working women—Empowership.
Interested in growing your skills as a manager? Check out how Manager Boot Camp might help.
